permission


“You can change or you can stay.”

 

Staying was not an option.

So with a grateful heart, I close a chapter in my life, and with open arms, I embrace the next.

The change.

The transition.

I knew it was coming. It’s been a long time coming, really.

Those who know me closest have seen me fight hard these past few years, but those who know me closest, have also seen me transform.

I use to compare myself to other girls on a screen. Then I moved my attention from the girls on a screen to the ones right in front of me. When that didn’t serve me anymore, I started to compare my body, my personality, and my flaws to the younger Kait.

I focused on getting back to that girl.

But then it all came crashing down when I realized I couldn’t be my younger self anymore than I could be the girl on the screen.

I don’t have the same seventeen-year-old body.
I have a twenty-seven-year-old body with stretch marks and wrinkles and scars that I have earned.

I don’t have the same beliefs.
No, those have evolved with life and experience and love.

I have changed

and

this girl embraces change.

 


“I hope you live a life that you’re proud of.”

 

What makes me proud?

Not what makes my momma proud.

Not my best friend.

Not my agent.

What makes me proud?

Is it success?

Is it a fit, tan bod?

Is it what Bradley wants?

Is it a big ministry where all eyes are on me?

Is it modeling?

Is it what my God wants for me?

These are the questions I have allowed myself to ask. If I am being completely transparent, I’ve realized I have allowed too many others have input into my life.

I have allowed too many others to dictate my definition of success and purpose and calling.

As scary as it is to be vulnerable with you right now, and as hard as it is to tell you  that i’ve struggled and don’t have it all together, I know that there are many out there who are feeling same way. Others thinking that they’re the only one.

Others asking themselves,

Am I proud of my life?

 


“And if you’re not, I hope you have the courage to start over again.”

A new season.

A friend once asked me,

“What’s your favorite natural occurrence? It can be something like a shooting star or the ocean waves.”

I answered,

“Right when the sun is breaking forth at dawn and it’s rays hit the dew on the ground and illuminates the earth. To me, it’s the same feeling as coming up for air after taking a dive. It’s the crescendo of your favorite classic song. It is the blessing of God’s new mercies and second chances and fresh starts.”

I hope I have the courage to start over every single day and allow myself permission to take a good, hard look at my life and ask the hard questions.

Let’s never stop asking the hard questions.

Let’s never stop growing.

May courage permanently dwell within. 
My Love guide us on.

Most fully,

Kait

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